Seven months. It’s been seven months since KT passed away. Seven months since I got a text from my best friend. Seven months since I’ve gotten to share a funny story from my day with her. Seven months since I’ve been able to call her when I’ve needed support.
I have a new appreciation for time, I think. I’ve been acutely aware of the passage of time for the last seven months. First, I judged time in hours. Eventually I stopped noticing each hour and instead counted days. The first seven days without her lasted forever, but soon enough I started marking time in weeks, then months. I suppose that someday, I won’t count months anymore–I’ll count in years. I’m trying not to think about that at this point–it seems too big and too scary and too far away.
For now, today, the day that tells me another month has passed, still hurts. I wish someone would have given me a heads up that it would still hurt this bad after what feels like so many months.
I recently found a website (What’s Your Grief) that includes a ton of resources about grief, including a list of “64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief.” I have so much gratitude for their work in helping me understand things that simply don’t make sense. I feel like someone has been kicking me in the gut all day, so it seems like a good day to share what I wish I would have known (some of my own, but main credit to WYG)…
That last one… I don’t think there’s any way to learn it without being forced to live it. Today, it makes me feel like I’m completely alone, even when I’m talking to others, even when I’m in the company of others. The grief goes on inwardly even if no one else notices anymore.
Seven months. And, God-willing, a lifetime to go.