I’ve written about how much I miss Katie, how often I think of her, and how I’m still sorting out my new world without her. Given all of that, it seems funny to me that today I’ve had two new realizations about the void left by her absence in my world.
Somehow, today was the first time I remember being aware of a moment when I wanted to call Katie to process something with her and being struck by the emptiness of realizing I couldn’t do so. This was just kind of an ordinary conversation she and I would have had–kicking around what I’d done in a meeting and sharing with her the good and the bad, not looking for answers, but for a witness to my day.
How have so many months passed without that type of moment coming sooner? It wasn’t a break-down-in-tears moment, just a new level of realization, it seemed, of not having her in my day-to-day life.
Also, with Halloween being tomorrow, I have a sense of the seasons changing–the cool feel of the air even when the sun is out, the crunch of fallen leaves, the smell of fireplaces being lit on cold mornings. Somehow, this brings about a new experience with loss, too. I’m not sure quite what it is. These are the first fall evenings I’ve had without Katie on the other end of a text or call, and somehow it just feels different than the summer evenings I got used to. Maybe because we both love fall so much–I want to imagine her in a cozy hoodie drinking hot tea out on her porch on a cool morning or evening, and I want to imagine being there with her to talk about the day. But I know she’s not there.
I don’t totally understand it. I just know it feels new.
Speaking of Halloween, I’m having trouble believing that this time last year she was dressed up as one of the creepiest witches I’ve ever seen. She sent me this photo Halloween night, and I remember I just about fell out of my chair. Tonight, it just makes me smile remembering her sending it and telling me about her night scaring kids (but trying not to scare them TOO much)…