I’ve been waiting for a breakthrough.
I’ve felt uninspired for the past couple of weeks. Beginning-of-the-semester crazy has settled and I’ve started cruising at work, but things just haven’t felt right. Among the multitude of things tugging at my attention, the 11-month mark of Katie’s passing is just days away–meaning that the one year mark will be here far, far sooner than I’m ready to admit.
For some reasons not in my control, my healing process has been far bumpier than I could have expected. Every time I feel I’m starting to make progress, the wound is torn open again, and I start to question if I’ll ever truly experience a sense of healing.
I find a lot of inspiration in music, and I overheard an unfamiliar song last week… And that was it. The seed for the breakthrough was planted. That’s all it took–two lines from the song “3 Things” by Jason Mraz:
The third thing that I do when my world caves in,
Is I pause, I take a breath and bow, and I let the chapter end.
That’s it. That’s what I needed to help it all make sense.
I’ve been hesitant to let go of this time of my life–the part that’s included grieving and learning to navigate my new life. Others might be re-opening the wound, but I’m also playing a role in allowing it to continue. I’m playing a role by holding on.
It’s time to gracefully release my hold on grieving, and I feel a certain sense of peace in that, finally. There’s relief in realizing it doesn’t have to be a struggle. I’m not letting go of my love for Katie. I’m not forgetting her or abandoning her. I’m just ready to turn the page and see what’s next. I understand now that she’ll be with me in spirit as I take that step (and all the ones after it).
I have a few things left to wrap up as part of this process, and I’ll be focusing on finishing those over the next couple of weeks.
Then, I’ll take that breath, and I’ll gently let this chapter end.
I see now that the next one is waiting to be written.